I needed to escape. I struggled to manage the emotional tide that was swelling. I hopped in the car, barefoot, and started to drive. It was time to pray.

My freshman year of college I had many of these sorts of car rides. If I needed a place to be completely alone and unable to be interrupted there was  either the shower or the car. I experienced my first real heartbreak that freshman year. It wasn’t a very long relationship – only a few months – but it became serious fast. When I ended it, I knew I had lost a best friend. Sometimes it is assumed that the heartbreaker isn’t also heartbroken, but I was. My head knew that I had made the right decision, but sometimes my heart felt so awfully confused, and it just hurt so bad. So for many evenings after that, my car was my safe place to drive and pray and cry and sing along with sappy love ballads about the heartaches of lost love. Anyone remember this one – If You’re Not the One – Daniel Bedingfield? And Dan, buddy, the falling thing you do around 2 minutes 48 seconds is just …well, something :/ Tie your shoes maybe?

Flash forward many years and the heartache I am experiencing is of a different nature. Infertility. Unexplained infertility to be exact. No known medical reason. That is good news, but it leaves some large question marks lingering. Ever been there? I think we have all had some questions that linger in our hearts; questions that are linked arm in arm to struggle.

infertility (1)

That Saturday as I drove around in my car, barefoot, mascara smeared across my face, a little snot shimmering under my nostrils (I must have looked gorgeous), I laid my feelings out before the Lord – all the mad, sad, and glad emotions – and yes, I think it’s possible to feel all of those at once. What can I say? – Women are complex. And mysterious. And alluring, etcetera etcetera – we can’t help it ;). I also told the Lord I trusted Him. I have questions and dislike the sorrow I sometimes feel, but I still believed he is good.

A while back I wrote a blogpost entitled Hope Deferred: Rejoice When I’m Madsad. I don’t struggle with the feeling of being madsad quite as austerely as I did then, but I still feel madsad sometimes. And I wonder, if our circumstance doesn’t change…if we remain infertile…will I always be a little madsad? Is that ok? Is it healthy?

I read this quote in an article the other day:

“Proverbs 30:15-16 tells us the grave and the barren woman are two things that are never satisfied. The sense of loss from infertility will frequently resurface whenever life situations — such as a menstrual cycle or the birth of a child to another couple — trigger painful feelings of the opportunities lost. We must not be afraid to grieve and allow these responses to run their course. We should, however, guard against allowing our heartache to slide into despair.” – Focus on the Family, Brad Nelson

Those words helped me understand that grieving was ok. I do feel painful feelings when I am confronted with the opportunities lost; with this deferred hope. I should not tuck my emotions down or deny the sadness that surfaces. However, I should be careful to not slide into despair. And slides are tricky. You start going down a slide and it can be hard to stop. Especially water slides…there is no stopping on those…and man, those wedgies…

So I’ve decided I need to pull out my sword and defend against despair. Sometimes you gotta put up a fight.


catwomanWe will all face trials of many kinds dear friend and the despair drain will try to suck us down its pipes. How dare it. So I’m gonna clog that drain. I’m gonna get the largest hairball I can find (probably from one of my cats or Cody), and I’m gonna clog that drain right up. Now who’s with me? …this has got to be one of the best motivational speeches ever written.


I’m going to clog up the drain of despair with the His words written in His book. Here it goes.

He is near to my broken heart                                                                                                                           He bottles up every tear                                                                                                                                         As His righteous one, He delivers me

His power is made perfect in my weakness                                                                                               He gives me sufficient grace,                                                                                                                         Each moment, just what I need

He is working all things together for my good                                                                         Supplying my every need                                                                                                                     According to His riches, not my own

These waters will not overflow me                                                                                                                  In this fire, I will not be scorched                                                                                                                This valley is only a shadow

So I will trust in you                                                                                                                                             Dwell with you                                                                                                                                                 Befriend your faithfulness

Delight in you                                                                                                                                                         Wait for you                                                                                                                                                         Commit my way, and watch you act

As I hear your Words                                                                                                                                              So my faith will grow                                                                                                                                             And your joy will be my strength

As I set my mind and sight upon you                                                                                                         Your peace will guide my way

So I will be strong and courageous                                                                                                                for you are with me wherever I go

I will not fear nor be dismayed                                                                                                                        For your presence is my home

I will rejoice, pray without ceasing                                                                                                              And give thanks in all things

These current sufferings                                                                                                                                     are not worth comparing                                                                                                                                      to your glory that sings

I am your tree                                                                                                                                                     Planted by your streams                                                                                                                                     My leaf will not wither

Yes I am your tree,                                                                                                                                         Planted by your streams                                                                                                                                Yielding fruit in its time

So be still my soul                                                                                                                                                     Be still and know                                                                                                                                                    that He is a good good father

Be still my soul                                                                                                                                                            Be still and know                                                                                                                                                     He is making everything beautiful in its time

Scriptures used to clog up the drain 😉 – Psalm 34:17-20, Joshua 1:9, 2 Cor 12:9, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Psalm 37:1-7, Philippians 4:19, Psalm 23:4, Romans 8:28, Deuteronomy 31:8, Isaiah 26:3, Psalms 1:1-6, Romans 8:18, Isaiah 43:1-2, Psalm 46:10