We have all probably heard it said….
“It’ll happen when you stop looking” said to the single guy or gal.
In Christian circles, it can sometimes be heard that “When you find yourself fully content in the Lord, then He will bless you with a spouse”.
To the barren couple considering adoption, “You’ll start the process and then probably get pregnant!”.
OR, “The moment you stop trying is when it’ll happen”.
The intentions behind these popular sayings are good. I believe the people saying them are trying to be encouraging to the discouraged soul. I have probably said something similar to someone at one time or another in hopes of simply bringing some hope into their psyche. When someone is feeling down, and we find we are fresh out Mentos Mints to offer, we often try to say something, anything, that we perceive might help.
Yet, unless God tells you to say one of those specific things to an individual, I’m preferring these sayings to be tucked away. In my opinion, they don’t help.
Sure, there may be some truth to these sayings…I guess the sayings had to come from somewhere, right? Sometimes a man or woman gives up the hunt, shuts down their accounts to the online dating sites, and then voila, they gotta ring on their finger that is bling bling blingin’ or subtly saying ‘hi’. Sometimes a person enters into a new place of contentedness with Jesus and shortly after they are dancing their first dance as a married couple to “Jesus Take the Wheel”.
Sometimes a couple starts the adoption process and as they sign their names on the first form a magnetic force of unexplained proportions joins man and woman together and a miniature human starts kickin’ it in the woman’s womb. Sometimes a couple throws away all the formulaic attempts to get preggo and then a woman discovers that what she thought was just a food baby is an actual baby. Cool.
So, yeah, these things happen and it is GREAT when they do. But they don’t happen for everyone. They don’t happen for everyone because as I’ve said before, these kind of things are not formulaic.
A couple we know is caring for their foster to adopt baby as we speak. After a time of infertility, doctors appointment confirmed that their chances of ever conceiving were slim to none. For all the well-intentioned people that may have said “Oh, how great that y’all are starting the foster to adopt process. But watch out, I bet you’ll get pregnant soon! You just wait!”. How painful for them. The kind person doesn’t know the whole story and doesn’t realize that they may be adding salt to a wound.
I have a few single girlfriends that are amazing (eh hem, gentlemen). They are not seeking their identity in a man, but share in a deep meaningful relationship with God, yet there is no singing telegram showing up to their cubicle singing, “You Are My Sunshine” from that special someone (I would totally dig that). To tell them that they need to find more contentedness in Jesus before they can be blessed with a spouse implies that someone like me must have gotten further along on the Jesus train than they did so that why I am married and he or she is not. No, just no.
Sure, there may be some unfinished business that God has for me (infertile myrtle) or for you singletons that desire marriage, but let’s be careful not to generalize said business.
Last December, early in the month, I went to the doctor to have an HSG procedure done. Basically they inject a dye in you and can see all your lady organs to make sure they look normal. There is an old wives tale that many women get pregnant shortly after this procedure cause it kind of ‘wakes things up’ or ‘cleans the pipes’…lovely. I remember hoping that the procedure would do just that, but then I started my cycle on Christmas Day…again lovely 😉
If Beast and I start some sort of adoption process, I wonder if some part of me will hope that turning in paperwork to an agency will be the key that unlocks fertile myrtle and my uterus will leap with life. Maybe what many say is true – maybe snoring Myrtle will wake up when we start the adoption process. But maybe not. If not, I’ll deal with the disappointment again. It’ll be ok, but instead of casually saying, “you’ll probably get pregnant when you start the paperwork for adoption”, let’s guard each other’s hearts as best as we can ya know?
So, the next time a girlfriend says that she can’t wait to get married and have a lifelong bestie, I’m gonna say, “I can’t wait to see the way in which the Lord is going to love on you. Whatever happens, however it happens, I am here for you, whatever you need”. And then I am going to pray for her.
And when a couple says, “We are struggling with fertility, so we might adopt”. I’m gonna say, “I can’t wait to see the way in which the Lord will grow your family. Whatever happens, however it happens, I am here for you, whatever you need.” And then I am going to pray for them.
And I’ll also offer them all a Mentos, cause ‘nothing gets to you, staying fresh, staying cool with Mentos, fresh and full of life’.