December 25th, 2014 –Christmas morning was here! If my period was going to come, it wasn’t scheduled to come until New Years, yet there it was. Merry Christmas, you are still not pregnant. I tried to hold back tears, but they came spilling down. Part of me felt like it was a cruel joke. Christmas day…really? Merry Christmas to me. This sucks. God, why?
Deep breaths. Be still. Remember His promises. Remember who your Heavenly Father is. Remember His character. Remember His love for you. And then tell Him all about how much it hurts to feel this disappointment month after month after month. He does hear you and He does care and you can trust Him.
I gathered my emotions, went into the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee while my mom chit chatted with me – screw the decaf, I ain’t prego. I wasn’t going to say anything and put a damper on Christmas morning, but when I turned around and looked at her, tears began to well up in my eyes. I felt like I was 5 again and I just let my mom hug me and tell me it would all work out the way it’s supposed too. There’s nothing like mom telling me it’s gonna be ok – that’s always been a special strength giver.
Christmas morning marked 1 year for us.When we first began trying to get pregnant, I looked up some statistics online curious to know on average how long it takes for a woman to get pregnant. According to babycenter.com, 85% of couples get pregnant within 12 cycles. Wow, that’s pretty good odds I thought, and I felt fairly confident that we would be in that 85%.
I’ve gone through many emotions this first year of trying. Hope, disappointment, expectation, sadness, excitement, bitterness, thankfulness, anticipation, frustration, apathy…
Early on, I told myself to keep level headed. Don’t assume anything until the test says positive. I tried not to overanalyze my charts, but any unique data sounded alarms of maybe I’m pregnant. Any change in my body had my mind wondering if something was happening cause I may be pregnant. A few days later I’d realize that the squirmy feeling in my guts was just gas from all the lentils I ate. Damn lentils.
Facebook feeds seemed to be flooded with pregnancy announcements. On Facebook I could scroll on by and try not to give it too much thought. It was the face to face announcements that began to become harder and harder. The mixture of emotions I felt were difficult to process. How beautiful and wonderful that you, my friend, have a precious life growing inside you! The Lord is knitting a son or daughter in your womb!….but what about me? Why am I not in the 85%? We are healthy, and I’ve been drinking that pregnancy tea, we time things like champs, and darn it we’ve been good this year…Santa?
Now who wants to join my pity party?
I’m thankful for a God full of grace cause my attitude needed it at times.
During the unknown couple of weeks before I would know if I was pregnant, my mind wandered to thoughts of, okay if we find out we are pregnant this month, then I can announce it to all my family when they come down for the choir show. Negatory. Okay, well if I get pregnant this month I can tell everyone at the family reunion. Nope. Okay, well if it’s this month I can tell my mother on her birthday and make it the best birthday she has ever had! No…not yet. Okay, well if it happens this month it’ll be the best birthday present I could possibly hope for. More tears. More wondering, is something wrong? Okay, gotta go back and read that fertility book again. Let’s order those extra supplements and I’m gonna start going to my chiropractor more and we gotta drink 64oz of water a day and don’t forget to relax and okay let’s schedule that doctor’s appointment just to get some basics checked out and oh, try bicycling your legs….sheesh.
If it sounds like this process began to consume me, it did and yet it didn’t. One night I dreamt that I woke up on a busy coastal highway. Cars were zooming by on both sides of me. I began to run down the middle of the road along the yellow lines, but the highway moved under my feet almost like a treadmill. I kept running and looking for a place to escape the highway. For a while I only had a cliff falling into the ocean on my left and a rock wall on my right. Finally a clearing came on my right with a valley of trees and nature trails. I had to act fast or I’d be hit by a car. I ran and jumped over the metal railing into the valley completely unsure of where I would land. I was falling and falling and finally caught hold of a zip line between the trees. I had made it off the highway. Then I woke up. With such a vivid dream, I asked the Lord if it held any significance. I sort of felt like maybe God was saying to get off the highway for a little bit with all the charting and reading and doing and let nature take it’s course. So I did. I threw away the charting and it felt wonderful.
We had test done. It felt a little invasive and strange to be sitting in the hospital for this. We passed. Our hearts were so thankful for the good news, yet, we still didn’t have our hearts’ desire.
It’s February 7th, 1:11 am. As I reflect on where my heart is postured in this season, I can continue to say that I know God hears my prayers. I know He is not neglecting me. He tells me to be thankful in all circumstances. And truly, even within this hope deferred, I have so much to be thankful for in my life. I don’t want to forget what it in front of me today.
One night at church our pastor asked us to close our eyes and be open to receiving a word of knowledge for someone in the room. He said that he knew on whose behalf we would be asking for, but didn’t want to tell us who until after we prayed. I shut my eyes and asked the Lord to show me anything He wanted for this person. I began to a see a picture in my mind of a young boy standing by a living room window. A breeze was gently blowing the clean white drapes as he played with a tiny toy car on the window sill. He was waiting and watching for someone. He was waiting and longing for his father to come home. For a while that is all I saw and then a young girl walked through the living room and joined the boy by the window. They both stood and kept looking out the window, both waiting expectantly for their father. The scripture, “Wait for the Lord. Be strong and wait for him” ran through my mind as the young boy and girl stood side by side.
The pastor asked us to raise our hands if we thought we received something from the Lord. I timidly raised my hand unsure if what I saw was something significant from God or just my own imagination.The pastor said that whatever the Lord revealed was not for someone else, but for our own self. My guts stirred and my heart rate quickened as I began to connect the dots. Cody and I, at the window of the Lord, surrendering our desires before Him, and waiting for Him to come and act. In that summer season we were praying much for the Lord to come and help us with Cody’s work and with our desires to start a family.
I know there are a lot of women out there just like me. Some share avery similar journey as I thus far. Others have journeyed for many years beyond me. Some have had the positive pregnancy test only to be followed by a miscarriage. Some are facing secondary infertility. If you are reading this blog, please pray for me and others like me. And fellow sisters, wherever we are at, let’s wait for Him. Another blog I read said ‘keep hoping and keep crying’. I like that. Let’s be strong, tears and all, and wait for Him.