My feet dredged through the mud. It was deep and it nearly suctioned around my ankles as we hiked our way around the mountain. As miserable as this part of the trek was, there was a waterfall hidden deep within the tropical jungle that we were determined to find. This part of Kauai was very wet with light showers falling frequently. I was tired and hungry and at times felt like quitting as my feet ached, but knew I would regret it if I did. The native mountain apples that were scattered about in the trees were easy for us to pick and eat along the way and these sweet morsels helped me keep going. I ate a ton of them.
It was a Wednesday a few weeks ago that I felt that same feeling – like my feet were dredging through mud – except this time, it was my mind and heart being suctioned by thick, wet soil. The momentum I had going in one direction felt suddenly halted and I couldn’t decipher exactly why. I just felt as though I couldn’t move forward.
Perhaps there was just too much going on in life. Closing on a home, packing up a rental house, going on a mission trip, traveling for a funeral, moving into a new house…makes for a busy month of March. But it wasn’t only the busyness of life halting me. Deep questions, deep considerations, deep unknowns left me frozen.
When walking, or rather stumbling at times through infertility, having a plan brings comfort. It helps one feel as though progress is being made, time is not being wasted , and results will soon follow. Can anyone relate my fellow planners? That Wednesday, my well thought out plan and timeline was now in question.
Do we keep pursing this path toward fostering to adopt? Do we pursue more medical options? Do we do nothing for the time being? I see needs over here and I ache for those children and yet I feel deep desires for pregnancy too and fostering to adopt is so much more about them than it is about fulfilling something in me and maybe I’m not strong enough and if I am being completely honest – I’m scared – and perhaps there is more we could pursue through a fertility specialist with that thing that is almost like a turkey baster but that means more money and its invasive and the success rates aren’t that high and are we now being selfish if we go that direction and what does the Lord want cause ultimately He knows best yet I feel you are whispering Jesus and I struggle to hear and crap, what the heck is happening to my neat and tidy plan!?
Welcome friend to my run on sentence of thoughts that day…it’s a jungle in there; a jungle we’ll call Effingham. Fun fact – that’s the name of a real city in Illinois. Manbeast and his brother took a picture next to the sign.
The month of March is over. All the crazy has calmed. And for the most part, the jungle of Effingham has quieted. The only thing that made sense that Wednesday was to press pause; to rest and let go of planning for the time being. I’d love to say that since then a neat and tidy plan has found its way back in place, giving me the comfy illusion of control. I’d love to have a plan that is cooperating and running its proper course, but I don’t.
A friend once told me to never make a decision directed by fear. Fear opposes faith and sources itself from a place of death, not life. So whatever potential plans or pursuits come into play moving forward, it is my prayer that faith lead.
We’re still hiking a tough part of the trek today. We haven’t yet made it to the waterfall. Yet, as tired and hungry as I was on that part of the hike, when I looked around I found that I was surrounded by absolute beauty. The trees, the foliage, the steep and winding slopes, the bamboo that made me look like a flea on a dog’s back…it was all incredible. He gave me cold streams to cool my feet along the way, a large walking stick that made me look more legit with this whole hiking thing, fresh mountain apples to give me energy, conversations with Beast, and I even saw some stray cats
Weariness may come during the trek. Tired feet. Yet, the Effingham jungle still has beauty to behold in each step. I gotta keep my eyes open, keep my heart still, and rest in the realization that He’s got this. He’s got the plan. He’s knows when we’ll arrive at the waterfall.