My mother is a petite little woman. Yes, that’s redundant, but I like saying it that way. She’s maybe 5’3 or 5’4 with a dainty frame. When I sit next to her on the couch, I have a habit of playing with her hands. Her hands are soft and her skin continues to loosen as the years go by. She always wears a few rings. I like to notice which ones are old or new and try on my favorites…then casually mention that she can give me this or that ring if she wants. She usually says no. Her fingernails have always been kept very short as she has played the piano and organ for the majority of her life. She has nice fluffy pillowy tops to the tips of her fingers too, and I don’t know if this from all the playing she has done over the years or just how her hands were made.

Sometimes when I sit next to her, I think about how I used to be inside of her womb. I was a small and fragile little creature and I literally grew inside of her. It is really strange and amazing to think about. I was inside her belly. Weird. Now I tower over her and get to play with her hands :)


Manbeast and I were watching a documentary the other night called, “The Human Experiment”. Its about all the toxic chemicals found in things like our furniture, clothing, toys, kitchenware, etc., and it is worth watching, but that isn’t what this post is about.  One of the women interviewed in the documentary works for an organization that promotes non-toxic toys for children. The filmmakers follow her and her husband through their journey of infertility and how the toxins in our environment may be contributing to it.

She allowed the cameramen to come and film her third or fourth round of IVF (in vitro fertilization). As she sat in the hospital bed, her eyes swelled with tears as the doctor placed 2 embryos inside her uterus. I don’t know if the tears were from discomfort or from the emotionally heavy moment that IVF has got to trigger. In that moment, she knows that the embryos are babies and all that needs to happen is for the babies to attach to the uterine wall and begin to grow and thrive. What a moment of hope and expectation, but also uncertainty as this may not happen.

I never did IVF or IUI or multiple shots of hormones to my butt or pills to flourish my ovulation. We considered it. We were on the cusp of trying out a round of clomid/IUI (basically artificial insemination) before we found out we were pregnant. As I watched this women on the film, my heart was breaking for her. A few days after the IVF procedure, they found out it wasn’t successful. She buried her head in the pillow, cried and said, “What’s wrong with me?”. I wanted to reach out to her and give her a hug. I wanted to tell her that I understand the ups and downs of infertility (although not infertility treatments). I wanted to tell her not to be ashamed of herself or her body.

I sat there, definitely ugly crying, and thought ‘Wow, she is going through so much more than I did. So hard…’

I could feel babybeast squirming around inside of me. That wonderfully amazing feeling is unlike any other and at times so incredibly bizarre to process that another human being is INSIDE of me. I just kept thinking about how thankful I am. I watched her cry in her hope deferred and thought, “Thank you Jesus. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. Now please help her.”

I won’t give away the ending of their story, but their is some joy in the end.

Most of the posts on this blog have been related to our journey with infertility. And now, that season is over. Yet, it wasn’t all that long ago that I was in that season and the emotions of it all came flooding back when I watched that show. I guess I just want to let all of those who are still in that season know that I’m praying for you. You are not forgotten.

And those who find themselves in other seasons of hope deferred or waiting for your heart’s desire, the essence of this prayer is for you too.

“Jesus, give them hope in you. Stamina. Faith. Protect them from despair and those dark corners that become destructive. Bless them with life in their wombs. Bless them with such fruit. Give them wisdom. Give them support. May they know just how much you SEE them and care. Amen.”

One day, our sons and daughters will be grown and will sit on the couch and play with our hands and we will remember when they were but a tiny little baby within our wombs. How incredible.

For now, kick away babybeast. My bladder loves it 😉